When parents separate, it is not uncommon for their children’s education to become an area of disagreement. Perhaps one of you was more willing to compromise when you were together, or one parent’s priorities have changed now they are living away from the family home.

Parents who have a child or children in private school, or who had previously agreed that their children would attend private school from a certain age, can find themselves in dispute about who can and should pay school fees. If you are focused on what is best for your child(ren), it can seem very unfair, especially if your ex has started a second family and is refusing to pay school fees because of this.

Is there anything you can do?

It depends on your circumstances.

If your child is in private school and you are in the process of separating:

If you are married and in the process of divorcing and negotiating a financial settlement, it may be appropriate to have a discussion about how school fees will be met. If an agreement cannot be reached, then the court can make an order to make one party pay or contribute towards private school fees. The court will look at a range of factors when making a decision, including the intentions of both parents, if the child is already attending a private school, the resources of the parties and their ability to pay. If there are any children from a previous relationship, their education may also be relevant.

If you are not married (or if you are already divorced and have reached an financial settlement but there is no order in place for school fees) you can make an application to the court for school fees to be paid for the benefit of a particular child or children. The court will decide each case on the facts. The court has a very broad discretion and must have regard to ”all the circumstances of the case” including the income and financial responsibilities of each parent, the needs of the child and the expectations relating to their education or training.

If you have a court order directing your co-parent to pay school fees but they are refusing:

If there is already a court order directing that school fees should be paid by one parent, then the starting point is that the order should be followed. It is an order of the court and it is not for an individual to decide that the order is no longer in force, even if there has been a change of circumstances. You may be able to take steps to enforce the order.

If there has been a genuine change of circumstances and your ex-partner can no longer meet private school fees, then your ex-partner can apply to the court to vary an existing order. There must be good reason for the variation and your ex-partner will have to provide evidence of any change in circumstances. If your partner is refusing to follow an existing order, or if there is an application to vary an existing order, then we would recommend that you seek advice from a family solicitor.

What if your child is not attending a private school at the moment, but you want them to do so in the future?

If you cannot agree with your partner whether your child(ren) should go to a state or private school, it is open to either parent to ask the court to decide. The court will look at a number of factors including the intentions of both parents and how any other children of the family have been educated.

If the court directs that the child(ren) should attend a private school, it is possible to make an application for the school fees to be paid by one parent. The court may be asked to consider whether it is reasonable that both parents should have to make some sacrifices as a result of decision about private school and whether is appropriate that the cost should be shared in some way.  It is often possible for co-parents to reach an agreement with the help of solicitors to avoid court proceedings.

When parents separate, the most common pattern of contact involves sharing care of children with the non-resident parent for alternate weekends and for half of the holidays.  Although most parents accept that this arrangement is in the best interests of the children, it is not unusual to feel a sense of grief or loss when the holidays come around.

If you have day-to-day care of the children it is natural that you find it difficult to switch off from that role and relinquish responsibility for a longer period of time. Many parents experience FOMO – fear of missing out – particularly if the children are going on holiday or experiencing something exciting and new that they are not part of. This can take you by surprise, especially if you are keen for them to go, but it is also natural.

What can you do?

Sometimes it can help to take the rose-tinted glasses off and look at the situation for what it is. Holidays often mean long airport queues and endless hours of ‘are we nearly there yet’!  Parenting is a tough job day-to-day and all the same challenges will be present during the shared time too.

Discuss Safety Concerns

Although it is important to respect your co-parent’s role and understand that their parenting style may be different from yours, it is normal to worry more when the children are going abroad.  These anxieties commonly revolve around plane journeys, pool safety and stranger danger.  The most successful way of co-parenting would be to arrange a conversation, in whatever way you and your former partner communicate best, to discuss these worries and find solutions.

Something as simple as a text message to let you know the children have arrived safely can be incredibly comforting. Discussing practical preparations for the children’s safety, such as increasing swimming lessons before the holiday or using arm bands, as well as having joint chats with the children about talking to strangers can also go a long way to address your concerns.

Take Time Out

Few people will dispute that parenting is the hardest job in the world.  A resident parent is often juggling children, the household and work, which leaves little time for a social life.  It can therefore be helpful to view this time as ‘annual leave’ from parenting.  The time off will give you a chance to slow down, take a break yourself or go out for the evening without having to arrange childcare.  It is essential to give yourself permission to take a break and recharge so you will be ready to give the children 100% when they return home.

Plan Ahead

Keeping busy is a great way to counteract your anxieties about time away from your children, so make the most of your time by planning ahead.  Some parents find it helpful to produce a calendar of their ‘days off’ which they circulate to family and friends so they can organise an adult get together or book their holidays around it.

Have Your Own Adventures

Think about what you would like to do.  It might sound like a cliché, but it is a good chance to try a new hobby and plan some day trips to places that would not interest your children.

If you are stuck for things to do and people to do it with, it is a good time to think about expanding your network. There are a number of lone parent groups, solo travel groups, forums (such as Mumsnet) and charities for lone parents (such as Gingerbread) that organise meet ups, day trips and holidays for other lone parents while the children are away.

Maintain Indirect Contact with the Children

One of the best ways of coping with this short term separation is to agree some indirect contact in advance.  Arranging a planned Facetime, skype or phone call can be reassuring for everyone.  We recommend that any calls are at agreed times so both parents can plan around it and, more importantly, the children do not feel let down hoping for calls that might not happen.  Please remember, it is important that calls are not excessive or intrusive as that could make the non-resident parent feel like their time is being infringed upon or scrutinised.

Depending on the ages of your children they might also be able to email you, or your co-parent might agree to email an update with some pictures.  Another non-invasive way of maintaining contact, would be for the children to send post cards, which can be as good for them as it is for you.

Indirect contact is easier to arrange if it is mutual and respectfully put in place for both parties, all year round.  It is something that you can agree without a solicitor.

If it is difficult to do so, a mutual friend or family member might be able to facilitate a resolution.  You might also consider mediation with a professional Mediator who will help you to reach an outcome.

However, if one parent has broached the subject a few times and not had a successful response, a letter from a solicitor can often help move things along in the right direction.

If a Child Arrangement Order is being made through the court, indirect contact during holidays can be included within the agreement, if it is in the best interests of the child to do so.

Make Your Own Memories

Whether your children are away for two weeks or two days, it can feel like a long time, but they will be back.  You may feel like you missed out on lots of exciting adventures, but you will make your own great memories with them.

For further advice on Child Contact Arrangements, call us on 020 7993 2936 or click here.

If you are leaving the country alone with a child, you may need to take extra documents with you to establish your relationship and that you are travelling with the proper consent.

Why?

Put simply, this is to protect children from abduction (one parent removing a child from the country without consent from the other) and trafficking.

What does this mean for you?

You must have consent from anyone else who has parental responsibility for the child (usually both parents) before taking them outside of England and Wales. This usually means that the child’s other parent will need to provide a letter of consent, which contains their contact details so that its authenticity can be checked.

If your child lives with you and that is recorded in a Child Arrangements Order, you can usually take them overseas for up to 28 days without permission. In which case, you will need to take a sealed copy of any relevant Court Orders and we recommend that you check with your Solicitor if you need to do anything else, such as having the documents verified.

If you do not have the same surname as your child, you may be asked to prove your relationship to them. We advise taking extra documentation such as a copy of their birth certificate, adoption certificate or your parental order, as well as any relevant divorce or marriage certificates.

What else should you do?

It is a good idea to contact the airline you are travelling with, as well as the embassy for the country you are travelling to, to see if they have any other requirements.

Some countries, such as USA and South Africa, have very strict requirements and although you may have the documents you need to leave the UK, you may not have everything you need to gain entry on arrival.

You can find the contact details for all foreign embassies and High Commissions in UK here.

For further advice on travelling alone with children, or if your child has been taken overseas without your consent, call us on 020 7993 2936 or click here.