For some couples, Christmas is a last test of their relationship before making the final decision to separate.  Others, who made that decision earlier in the year, stay together for one last Christmas – usually when children are involved.  The goodwill does not have to end there.  Preparation and calm can help you to reduce the strain and cost of separation on a 12-step journey.

On the first day: Speak to your spouse about how you see your future, and listen as they explain how they see theirs.

It can be helpful to arrange a time without distractions to explain how you are feeling about the marriage and how you see your futures. If you understand each other’s perspectives and can work together constructively, it will be easier to reach a fair outcome for both of you.  This is likely to result in your divorce process running more smoothly and minimise your legal fees.

On the second day: Agree a ‘grounds for divorce’ to initiate proceedings.

The most common reasons are ‘unreasonable behaviour’ and ‘adultery’, which can signal confrontation, but this does not mean the process itself has to be confrontational.  You can discuss the grounds with your spouse and agree what you will include (or exclude) for the record.

On the third day: Talk about future living, financial, child (and pet) care arrangements.

The most effective arrangements involve compromise on both sides.  With this in mind, many separating couples find it easier to have conversations about interim arrangements with a counsellor or mediator.

On the fourth day: Tell your family and children.

If you have children, they may benefit from extra support. All children react to their parents’ separation differently. If your children are still in education, we recommend that you inform their school or nursery and consider independent counselling to help them adjust to their new life.

On the fifth day: Tell friends and work colleagues.

Even the most amicable divorce can be stressful so it will help you to have support from friends and colleagues.

Whatever your situation, you are not alone.  There are support networks such as Gingerbread, @onlymums and @onlydads which provide forums, information and advice for parents who are separating (or already separated).

On the sixth day: Pull together financial information.

As part of the divorce process you will need to exchange information about assets, liabilities, income streams and pensions so that everyone is clear what is in the family pot to be divided.

On the seventh day: Decide on solicitors or mediators to represent your interests.

A conversation with a law firm will help you decide whether to have representation, and from whom.  You can contact Resolution to find a solicitor who advocates non-confrontational divorce.

On the eighth day: Issue the divorce petition.

Your divorce does not officially start until the divorce petition is issued.  Although the law requires that the divorce petition is prepared by one spouse and served on the other, you  can discuss and agree who will initiate the process and when.

On the ninth day: Agree your financial and any care arrangements.

You will need to make more permanent arrangements regarding children.  These can be agreed between you, with the help of a mediator, collaboratively with solicitors, or with the help of the court via a Child Arrangement Order.

Separate arrangements will need to be agreed regarding the division of the family pot and any ongoing spousal support.  The objective will be for the assets to be divided fairly between you and for each spouse to become independent after a period-of-time.

On the tenth day: Get a Decree Nisi.

A Decree Nisi is a document stating that the court does not see any reason why you cannot get divorced and establishing the day the marriage will end.

On the eleventh day: Get a Decree Absolute.

It is over.  The Decree Absolute is a final order that officially brings a marriage to an end in England and Wales.

On the twelfth day: Move forward and make new traditions.

Remember to update your status by informing insurance companies, schools, employers and your GP. If you have one, you should also consider updating your Will.

All of the solicitors at Allard Bailey Family Law are committed to a non-confrontational and constructive approach to family law.  If you would like to discuss your divorce, separation or child arrangements, please contact Louise Allard or Sabrina Bailey.

Many people believe that domestic abuse, also known as domestic violence, is limited to physical acts such as pushing, slapping or hitting another person. This is not the case.

The government’s definition states that domestic abuse includes behaviour that is “controlling, coercive, threatening, violent or abusive” and that it “occurs between people aged over 16”.  Although domestic abuse is often thought of as a gender crime, it is important to note that such abuse affects both men and women and includes “psychological, physical, sexual, financial and emotional” mistreatment.

It can be hard to accept that you are in an abusive relationship and easy to make excuses for your partner’s behaviour.  When you do realise that your partner is behaving in an unacceptable way, there are people who can listen and help you decide your next steps.

You might not want, or feel able, to end your relationship, but it is important to get help to end the abuse.  Without intervention, it is unlikely that the abuse will stop on its own.

There are many ways to ask for help, including:

• Speaking to a trusted friend or family member
• Speaking to your GP
• Contacting the National Centre for Domestic Violence
• Contacting the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline: 0808 2000 247 – run as a partnership between Refuge and Women’s Aid
• Contacting Victim Support’s Domestic Violence Service – they are independent of the police and able to support you for as long as you need.

If you feel unsafe, we would always recommend that you contact the police.  If you have already done this or believe that it has no effect on your partner’s conduct you can take further steps through the courts.

A letter from a solicitor threatening court action might act as a deterrent. However, it is not always appropriate to give notice, in high-risk situations it might be recommended that you apply for an urgent injunction.

There are two types of injunction that are intended to protect you and/or any children who are affected by the abuse:

• An Occupation Order – which can remove your partner from the home and deny them the right to access certain areas outside of the home.
• A Non-Molestation Order – which can be issued where there is violence, threat of violence, intimidation, harassment and pestering.

A breach of a non-molestation order has serious consequences, it is an arrestable criminal offence that is punishable by up to 5 years imprisonment.  The court will consider making a non-molestation order to secure your health, safety and well being and the same for any relevant children.  You will need to provide evidence that protection is required, such as medical/police reports, a GP letter, photographs of injuries or even a statement from a witness (such as a family member or friend).  This is important as injuries may heal and evidence of them can be crucial, especially if your partner denies their actions.

Whether you are ready to seek help or not, you might consider keeping a private record of the abuse you are experiencing, as this can help you when the time comes.

For further advice on protecting yourself from domestic abuse, please contact Louise Allard or Sabrina Bailey on 020 7993 2936.

According to statistics released for National Adoption Week, there are more than twice as many children waiting to be adopted in England as there are approved adoptive homes.

If they are all to find new families, there is an urgent need for more adopters to come forward, but many people do not know they are eligible to adopt – or as some might say, become a hero.

We therefore tackle some of the common myths about Adoption in this country and share some lesser known facts that might help you to start your adoption journey.

Myth: You have to be a ‘traditional’ family unit to adopt
Anyone over the age of 21 can be considered as an adopter. You can be single, married, in a civil partnership or living with a partner.  The stability and permanency of any relationship you are in is the only concern. The main criteria for all local authorities is simply that you are able to provide a stable and loving home.

Myth: You cannot adopt if you are older than 40
There is no upper age limit, but you will need to have the health and energy to see your children through to an age that they could reasonably become independent.

Myth: You have to adopt through your local authority
You can and should “shop around” for the organisation that you feel most comfortable with. We recommend that you do your research and speak to a number of organisations before making a decision. You will need to be really open about your life, so it helps to have a good relationship with the team that is supporting you. You can find a list of agencies on First4Adoption, which is run by the government, or the charity Adoption UK website.

Myth: The social worker is against you
You will be assigned a social worker to prepare and assess you for the task ahead. The social worker is on your side. They want to find adopters. They will need to speak to you about some very personal matters including your finances, who you are as individuals, what your interests are and your past relationships. Some people view this with suspicion. Be assured that they are not trying to trip you up, they need to know you properly to prepare you properly, so try to embrace this process and be honest. Remember, it is the social worker who will represent you at the Adoption Panel, to do this well they need to know you well.

Myth: You need to be perfect
Nobody expects you to be perfect, very few people are, so be honest. Your skeletons will come out of the closet but, unless you have been convicted of certain serious criminal offences, it is unlikely that they will sabotage you.  The key is to be completely honest.

Fact: You need to be resilient
Adoption is a life-long journey filled with emotion, so resilience is key. One of the things the social worker will be most interested in is how you work through your problems and how you will make your family resilient.

Fact: The Adoption Panel is unlikely to turn you down
It is natural to feel nervous before your Adoption Panel meeting, but if you have got to this stage the chances of getting turned down are low. Remember you have the support of the social worker, they would have told you by now if they did not think you were ready to adopt. If you are turned down, it is not the end of the road as you can appeal, or you could apply again at a later date.

Fact: You will get matched quicker with priority children
The majority of people want to adopt a “healthy baby”, but there are relatively few babies waiting for adoption. Most adopted children will come to their families as toddlers, pre-schoolers or primary children. Older children, those with additional needs, groups of brothers and sisters who need to stay together and children from minority backgrounds are considered to be priority children as they will usually wait longer to find a permanent home. These children have often experienced violence, abuse or neglect and are in great need of a loving and supportive home.

Fact: You are in control
When you are matched with a child, or children, it is important to remember that you do not have to say yes. It is ok to say no. If you have doubts you are having them for a reason, so share them with your social worker. It is not always an easy decision, but in the long run it can be better to wait for another match than to move forward if it does not feel right.

Fact: You will receive ongoing support
Adoption is a challenging journey, arguably more challenging than biological parenthood. Although your love can help a child to heal, it cannot erase the scars of their past. They may struggle and you may struggle, it is completely natural. You will not be expected to go it alone, you will have access to ongoing specialist support.

Fact: You will change more than one life
A charity leader was quoted as saying that adopted children are among the most “complex and vulnerable in society” and that “adoption can have a transformative effect on these children.”  This is because children do better when they feel safe and loved. With adoption, it is not just the children’s lives that are transformed. In exchange for the gifts of love and stability, you receive the life-changing gift of parenthood.

If you are considering Adoption and would like more information on the legal aspects of the process, please contact Louise Allard or Sabrina Bailey.

Most parents want to give their children wings to fly and believe that education is an important part of this.

As children settle into the new school year, many families are turning their minds to school choices for 2020, either for primary or secondary education. State secondary school applications are normally due by the end of October and primary applications can usually be made between November – January. It is important to check the closing dates with your local education authority for state schools and with the school admissions team at private schools.

Whether your children are educated in the state sector or privately, choice of school is of utmost importance to most parents and carers. We are all aware that providing children with a good education can set them up for a successful and happy future. Schooling choices and decisions carry with them a sense of huge responsibility and researching the options available is essential. It may no longer be a question of choosing the school closest to you, as it frequently used to be. Understandably, there are many factors to consider when making this decision, and if you are separated from your child’s other parent, you and they may not see eye to eye on many things, including where your child should go to school.

So what should you be doing now?

Whether you and your co-parent are on good terms or not, it is imperative that the choice of school is one that benefits your child. If you have differing opinions on where to apply, this may create an issue when the time comes to submitting your child’s school application.

It helps to know as much as possible about the schools that are on offer for your child. We recommend that you look at all the information on the websites and consider the school prospectus for all the schools that are a possibility.

Many schools are now holding or advertising their open days and evenings for the next academic year and what better way to get a feel for a setting than visiting it with your child. Open days allow you the chance to see a school functioning at its best, or worst, and provides an informative way of assessing whether a particular school can offer your child the best all round education. You will get the chance to speak to the leadership team on open days and evenings which will also help to inform your final decision on a school.

When looking at schools there are many factors to consider, including:

• Are you in the catchment area for the schools that you have identified?
• What is the admission criteria?
• Is there an entrance exam?
• If you are contemplating a private school, how will the fees be met? Is this affordable and desirable?
• How will your child get to and from school?
• If using public transport, how much will this cost?
• Will before and after school care be required?
• If your child has additional needs, what schools offer the support required?
• What reports are available on school performance (Ofsted, for example)?
• What provision is offered for your child’s interests – music, sport, drama etc?
• Are you looking for a religious establishment? Are there any additional criteria to fulfil or forms to complete in support of such an application?

Answering these questions will help you and your co-parent to identify the school, or a shortlist of schools, that you think will be best for your child.

What if you cannot agree on where your child should be educated?

You may want to consider family mediation to try to resolve the issue. If there is still no agreement then, as a last resort, it is possible for one of you to apply to the court for a Specific Issue order under the Children Act 1989, to determine the point. You could also consider Arbitration as an alternative means of resolving a dispute.

Specific Issue orders enable the court to determine a specific issue that has arisen in relation to an aspect of parental responsibility. Generally speaking, parents will both have parental responsibility for their child and as such all important decisions should be made jointly.

The first concern of the court is the child’s welfare. The court will have to consider what is in your child’s best interests in relation to schooling, taking into account a specific list of criteria including the child’s physical, emotional and educational needs as well as the capability of the parents (or any other person the court finds relevant) at meeting the child’s needs. Your child’s views may also be taken into consideration, depending on their age and understanding.

If you are encountering difficulties in relation to the choice of school, you might like to speak to a solicitor to discuss your options for finding a resolution. It can take some time for applications to be brought before the court and as time is usually of the essence when school applications are to be made, it is important to act quickly if you require assistance.

If you are in dispute with your co-parent about school applications and think you may need legal advice, please contact Louise Allard or Sabrina Bailey to discuss your options.

Please note, this guide has been prepared from the professional and personal experience of solicitors who are also parents and school governors. It is not intended to be a definitive guide to choosing a school.